Me and My Shadows

Well, it has been a bit since I’ve blogged. I kind of got sidetracked and thought if I really wrote what I was currently feeling, my very few followers might decide they should quit following the thoughts of an evil lunatic. But, the one thing that my few followers seem to enjoy about my songs and blogs is what they usually describe as an “authenticity.” I am afraid they might feel differently after reading this, but here we go…

A little over a week ago, I was heading to my weekly hour long recording session feeling lighthearted and somewhat enjoying my amateur status as an enlightened songwriter when my wife called me on my cell phone.

“Did you ransack the house before you left for work?” she asked

“What?”  “Did you lay out all your computer cables…Someone has been here, The back door is open and it stinks in your office!” “Get out of the house and call the police!” I yelled in the IPhone 6Plus and headed straight for home.

When I got home, the police officer was there taking a police report which in our small town is sometimes about the limit of their crime investigations capability due to the amount of petty crimes. Slowly, I found the thieves took lots of electronics including some that had every piece of information needed for a complete identity theft of me and many other close family members. They also took a jewelry box I gave my wife 43 years ago as a wedding gift along with my gold wedding band. They also took other precious items such as our children’s birth certificate which had their tiny little footprints on them. I used to run my fingers over those footprints as I remembered their precious births.  They took other stuff and also began immediately using stolen credit cards, hacking into different online accounts, etc.. I was heartbroken, furious, afraid, and felt stupid.

The police officer’s advice: Fortify your house.

A few days later, I decided to change my daily patterns and sure enough, they tried to come back and get the rest of our possessions. By now, the location of these unkind people was pretty much figured out and my energy had turned 100% negative. The police in our community are either under-trained or over-worked, or just lack the resources needed for crime-solving. (I have always respected law enforcement because of the danger they face every day. I am not a police hater. They put their lives on the line everyday to protect and serve.)

I went out and bought a video security system, for starters, and I am in the process of fortifying my house including doing things I never thought I would do. I will leave those details out in case the burglars have become “followers” of my social media forums. I wouldn’t want to spoil the surprise.

Here now is where the story really gets ugly and it is about me. I want to hurt those people very much for what they have done and continue to do. The pain they have caused my loved ones, sleepless nights and that sinking feeling in our hearts in regards to the precious items has manifested itself with a depth of spiritual ugliness I had forgotten existed inside of me.  When I say “hurt” them, my imagination can get very vivid and it seems to have an endless source of hatred for fuel. And, not just for them either, but for everyone who engages in this type (and much worse) of activity. I have lost any desire to play my guitar, write songs, read good fiction, and generally spend time being “in the moment”, playing the role of the old wise man, or being generous of heart and spirit. In other words, I have put on all the clothes of my shadows and I wear them with pride and anger, regardless of how unattractive I look in them.

For so many years, I was never one who backed away from a fight – but many years ago I decided to become a better person, more honest and more kind. It worked well for me and for my loved ones. Now I feel like I must have been an actor. This morning, when I read about someone who tried to shoot a police officer and outran the cops and fled into the rugged wilderness that surrounds our local area I said, (and this is where you will probably stop communicating with me), “I hope he breaks his leg and gets eaten alive by a mountain lion.” (Yes, we do have mountain lions and bears in our immediate area.)  The responses were varied, but nobody said they agreed which means I seemed to have surrounded myself with better people than myself – but that isn’t a very high standard, I know.

You know what is kind of funny? I had just completed recording a song that I titled “It is All About the Love.”  It was a preachy little tune.  Now I want to write a song titled, “I hope you break your leg out in the woods and get eaten by  a mountain lion..slowly.” Maybe I could go to one of those coffee shop open mic nights and do some spoken word around that theme or maybe something in the rap genre and then “drop the mic” after expressing my vile thoughts?

Ok, so there you have it, “Father, I have sinned and I look forward to some more.”

What have I learned? I am not such an enlightened person after all. In my core lives both angels and demons, heaven and hell, forgiveness and an AK47.  I don’t like mean people and that includes me. I wouldn’t blame you if you decide that you shouldn’t read my blogs or listen to my songs any longer. I need to run now and go review my security videos of the drug dealers and common thieves in my neighborhood and also see if I can buy a mountain lion on Amazon. Don’t worry, I got Amazon Prime,… shipping will be for free!

Please be a better person than me.

 

 

 

 

 

5 thoughts on “Me and My Shadows

  1. We all have dark shadows and I hope this comment is seen only as a loving attempt to say it’s ok to feel the darkness.
    In the words of MLK (funny how the timing on your blog worked)
    “We must develop and maintain the capacity to forgive. He who is devoid of the power to forgive is devoid of the power to love. There is some good in the worst of us and some evil in the best of us. When we discover this, we are less prone to hate our enemies.”
    who knows..the mountain lion may be what puts them out of their own misery.

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    1. I’m so sorry your life and your happiness has been undermined by the people who did this to you and your family, Gary. I hope this does not last any longer than it has to. I’m not sure what that means. If this had happened to me, I would feel the same as you – at the very least. Why should a victim of a crime, of a profound intrusion, of a deep disrespect of one’s life, have to on top of it all feel bad about feeling angry and vengeful? As if these feelings are not legitimate? These reactions, to me, seem completely natural. All I know is that I would feel the same. I’m not sure I have any other reaction other than I hope justice is served, one way or another – in this place or in another.

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  2. Gary,
    first of all, may I say that I enjoyed reading this article of yours very much, despite the fact that it was a sad thing happening? I felt like reading a crime novel. LOL. You really know how to keep the tension for the reader, hehe. I love the language you use, and the authenticity. In my opinion, you are awesome because of allowing that anger. You´re using common sense, hehe. I have seen too many passive aggressive people exactly because they try so hard to follow that ideal of charity and love. There is a danger in suppressing negative feelings. I think when anger is analyzed and processed properly it can be turned into a strength. The fact that you wrote this down for yourself and for us to read is already proof of that. I love this honest approach. And who knows, maybe this experience results into your music as well;-) and becomes something many people can identify with. When people have the distance to events, it´s usually very easy to say “love and forgive”. The situation is a bit different once you are affected. Here is one of my “shadows”: I do have difficulties with the term forgiveness. I do think that if perpetrators don´t show any remorse and keep doing what they´re doing, there is no need in forgiving them and even be kind to them. This was never my conviction but it´s the result of a long process of mine, and I oddly found much more peace with that. I just don´t see why it should be a good thing to give something to people that they don´t deserve. Sadly, many see kindness as a permission to continue their ways. Those people need a clear language, because obviously they don´t understand the language of kindness.

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    1. Dear Brielle,
      You are wise beyond your years. Thank you so much for taking the time to share these thoughts with me. So often the “world” seems to look the other way, ignoring our responsibilities to stand up and be counted. Unknowingly, that was what one of the songs was about that I wrote, Love Has Gone Away. Sometimes the writer isn’t even totally aware of the meaning behind the message!
      I, too, struggle with forgiveness, especially for those who don’t really recognize the need for it. The trick, I guess, is trying to not let the toxicity of it all infect my own spirit…which I haven’t figured out how to do yet.
      Keep singing and sharing because your voice brings out the best in me and many others. Also, I think you would be a wonderful Blog author!
      Gary

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      1. Thank you so much for the reply, Gary, and for always having kind and encouraging words for me. Very kind. Your blog is so inspiring. I love how you take me on a journey with your stories and with your reflections:-) Can´t wait to read more of your posts in the future. Thanks for being REAL!
        p.s.: Looking forward to your rap song with the killer-message to the guys who have done you wrong;-)…just KIDDING!

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