I have changed…and I wasn’t even aware of it.
I spent most of my young adult life as a dualistic thinker. The one consistent outcome of that type of thinking is… judgement. Without knowing, or perhaps a better word is-acknowledging- it, I was a judge. The person I judged the harshest was myself, but there was plenty leftover for family, friends, and enemies.
Naturally this was all covered in some form of righteousness, especially when I judged those who could cause harm to those I love the most. I viewed it as a form of loyalty. It never dawned on me that you could be loyal and non-judgmental because dualistic thinking leaves no room for that type of analysis. It was either a yes or a no, in or out, good or bad. Yep, the famous either or scenario was my life’s boundaries. There was no room for “and.”
One person was the lucky recipient of almost 50 years of my judging. Yes this particular person made some poor decisions during a very difficult time in their life and those decisions and actions hurt ones I loved the most. For the most part, my judgement was not a direct attack, but most severe when behind their back. However, when face to face with the accused, my body language said it all.
Last night, after several honest discussions with the defendant, where they admitted some of their errors, I went to bed realizing how my constant judgement never allowed for a healing to happen. I had made a bad situation worse. And I did all of this out of fear. By portraying absolute loyalty to the ones hurt by this person’s action, my loved one/s would love me more.
I knew I needed to apologize, from my heart, to the defendant, before I left them in the morning with perhaps a year before I see them again. During breakfast it was on my mind, but I was afraid to do it. Was I just being weird? How would it be accepted? I decided to skip it and just move on.
As I said my final goodbye though, I suddenly leaned into their ear and said softly, “I am sorry, very sorry for constantly judging you. I made things worse. I am older now and I have learned things about myself and life.” They too softly answered and simply said,”Thank you.”
This was a different kind of Judgement Day then I was taught growing up. I like this kind of Judgement Day much better. I am sorry and I am still listening, watching, praying, and learning.