The Doubter’s Journey

I am a doubter, unfortunately, of just about everything. This creates problems and a boatload of inconsistencies in my life.

For example, I have always admired, from a good arm’s length away, those individuals who are extremely confident in their religious beliefs. I think to myself (Who else could I think to? If I think to you, I deeply apologize.) it must be nice to have such certainty in your life, to be so assured of the un-seeable, the untouchable, the unknowable, the un-smellable. Let’s just call it the UN. They don’t have to spend all the time that I do with doubts.

Then I come across others who seem so super smart, big brains, for sure, who have come to opposite conclusions about life. They are mesmerizing with their scientific and logical conclusions regarding things such as the development of human sapiens. I read with amazement when they describe how chimpanzees and human sapiens shared the same grandmother… millions of years ago. These experts don’t deal in the UN, only the Non UN. I admire them too.

However, both of these kind of super confident people make me feel sad and empty. The logic of the super confident religious individual often makes me shake my head and say, “Oh come on now. That’s crazy thinking.” UN can’t be like that.  And besides, I need more love in my life than that particular ology or ism seems to have available for me.”

Yet, after spending a few hours with the Non UN ones, I begin feeling hopeless. I need meaning in my life. The Non UN ones take that out of my life. If Monkey Grandmother is really climbing about my family tree, do I even have a spirit? Dear UN, I must have a spirit. I am an empty vessel without it. Take me to the zoo, lock me up and let my cousins the orangutans have their way with me. They are better animals than I am.

I have to have meaning in my life. I can’t live without it. That sense of meaning must be bigger, much bigger, than me. I must have hope. Which means I must have faith. Which means I am leaning toward the UN, but feel compelled to keep listening to the Non UN ones too. (I actually like them more, to be honest about it.)

Dear Un,

I don’t understand anything about the great Mystery of UN except it seems to silently call me. I can hear it, faintly at times, but it always stays UN to me. I think I saw it in a baby’s eyes once, but who knows? I thought I felt it under a waterfall once, but who knows? I never feel it anymore in religion. In science, I feel only loneliness. In dark stillness, I sit and wonder about UN…and then I get sleepy.

But, I need meaning for my life. I simply can’t believe I live and then I die. If this is so, bad form I say. Way too much sadness in that scenario. I must believe, in some way, some how, I am connected to UN…my life depends on it.

Amen

The Doubter