The other day I told this guy that I have a circus operating inside my head. He laughed, rather genuinely and vigorously. I took it that he does not have one.
Inside my head I have trapeze artists swinging dangerously through the air. I have a lion trainer. I have a Ringmaster. There are dogs that can ride tricycles and elephants that can dance. And, yes, clowns, lots of clowns are in there too. This circus is my never-ending story; It is my constant companions of thoughts, ideas, fears, even conversations.
When I write, this circus has to slow down. Multitasking is set aside as I focus on one idea, one thought at a time. It forces me to reflect, to think, to stroke my chin and ponder a bit. Sometimes I will go back and read something I wrote and think, “Yes, that is exactly how I felt or thought at that time.” Writing is a mental commitment to an idea, concept, theory or whatever you have in mind…literally in your mind. Often my thoughts act as sneaky little ghosts who live to disrupt my life, but refuse to be seen for what they are. It is often a revelation to me when they do make a public appearance.
Here is an example: The other day we took a drive up the Feather River Canyon, not far from our home. Of course we brought Gracie, our Goldendoodle. We packed a little lunch and went up to one of our favorite stretches of the river.
As I was sitting along the river, I felt a bit of emotion rise up through my throat and settled in my eyes, as they became a bit moist. I remembered one Sunday morning a long time ago when I skipped going to church and went fishing in a canyon similar to the Feather River Canyon, but far more remote. It required a long hike down a canyon and as I paused to watch the sun rise above the evergreen forest with crystal clear water below, I thought to myself, “This is far prettier than church and touches me more deeply.” I was in awe. From that moment on, being outdoors in areas like that has always made me think, “Oh my God.”
I guess that is why my eyes teared up again on the North Fork of the Feather River. It all makes me think again, “Oh my God. How wonderful this world is. What a gift.”
All of this kind of gets tossed around in my circus mind along with a thousand other competing acts – all wanting center stage.. But, when I take the time to write about it, it becomes a personal revelation. I am indeed spiritually moved by the gifts of nature – a mountain, a path through a dense forest, a waterfall, the ocean waves, sunsets, hummingbirds and dragonflies and butterflies, a sliver of the moon against a deep, dark blue sky, wildflowers, and baby quail, an eagle, a salmon, canyons of red rocks, mountain springs, migrating geese and snowflakes. All of it makes me think, “Oh my God.”
So why do I blog? I guess…for me. It helps me commit to what I think, what I believe. It is a revelation to me. It makes the circus grow quiet for a bit and I can breathe it all end.