I Want My Way

I lived in a house, no let me start over. I lived in a home that echoed with 30 years worth of our laughter, sweat, anxiety, celebrations, arguments, prayers, tears, Easter egg hunts, middle of the night conversations, daughters’ boyfriends I did not approve of, memories initiated from old photos, music, and hundreds of birthday candles being blown out just after a personal wish that was never, ever shared but always well contemplated before being chosen.

A fire swept through that home 12 days ago and now those echoes have been turned to ashes and blown miles from Paradise California. Perhaps some will eventually mingle with the echoes of your life and loves.

I want to go home. I want all those things back. I want thousands of people’s sufferings to be reversed. I want to wake up from the nightmare. Just like that toddler throwing a tantrum in the middle of the isle in the store, I want my way.

In the early morning darkness of this hotel in Oregon, where we went to look for a tiny little home on wheels and I write this blog, a faint voice can be heard somewhere between my head and my heart, “This is your way, Gary. This is the unique path you must walk during this portion of your life on earth.”

I guess I got my way and I don’t get to see around the corner until I get there. I know that some time around Easter, the land that supported our home will begin gently allowing new life to sprout…daffodils, irises and tulips. The transformation through the resurrection, maybe that is the ultimate way for all of us. Of course, that would require a death of some type, a dark and cold winter, the loss of personal control, the loss of the little, toddler-like “my way” to be replaced with a deeper and much more important, transformed My Way.

Most of us want to run and vacation on some tropical paradise island during the cold winter months. Here in America, millions of “snow birds” we call them head for the deserts of Arizona and California during the winter. Some “flock” to Florida. However, when we face our emotional and spiritual winters, that is not usually an option. It is not part of the My Way. My Way requires facing the suffering while barely being able to hold onto a few threads of hope or faith. It is kind of mystical actually in that it is connected to a mystery. And, that is what the deeper, larger My Way is really all about…a pathway into the Mystery, I think.

Thank you Father, for all those wonderful echoes that now are the sign posts into the Mystery. This isn’t easy. I have tears in my eyes as I write this and those threads of faith are quite thin right now. Yet, past echoes and new echoes of love, like an eternal fog horn, seem to be saying, “Keep moving forward. You and yours are on My Way.”

We all have My Ways. I pray for you as you walk yours. We’ll get there, wherever there is.

15 thoughts on “I Want My Way

  1. Shit Gary, I really wish this blog was sock number 3. I seem to have lost the ability to cry many years ago, but listening to you describe your lost home makes me feel as close to crying as I can get. Keep moving forward buddy, spring will come!

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  2. Oh, Gary, my heart broke when I read that. I was thinking only this morning that you hadn’t posted for a while and I’m so saddened to learn the reason why. I hope the love you clearly have for each other will hold you together at such an unimaginably difficult time. My heart goes out to you all.

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    1. Dear Allison, you’ve been with me on this spiritual journey I have been on, particularly since my father’s passing. We seem to share so many common experiences. You have read about the best of me and the worse of me. The fact is, when I read your last blog entry and you

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    2. ….whoops… your last blog entry, it looked like our place before the fire, beautiful colors…and it gave me the strength to write about it all again. When things are done in Love, you never know the impact you might have on someone and your loving post inspired me to blog once again.

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      1. I’m so glad my small post had a big impact, Gary. When I started blogging I felt that if just one person read what I wrote and was encouraged in some way then It would be worth it. As it turns out I think it is enjoyed by more than just one but I feel your response makes it all worthwhile. I hope strength will come with each new day and that hope for a better future will keep you all going. Thoughts are with you all.

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  3. We feel the emotion you’re going through… I believe that there’s a reason why certain things happen to us, maybe just to help us to find the right way, in this so short life. It is really great that you keep posting on twitter/blog, to let us know how are you… well or not well – but alive! You must be strong, Gary, for you and your family! Our hearts go out to you!

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  4. Reblogged this on Through rose tinted glasses. and commented:
    While just sat comfortably watching tv in the home that I have known and loved for the last 12 years, my thoughts turned to Gary and his family who over the last few weeks have suffered a loss that I personally find unimaginable. I have followed Gary’s blog since I joined this lovely WordPress family and have so enjoyed reading about his life’s journey until a couple of weeks ago when I read his blog and my heart broke.

    I am quite sure after reading that you will understand why.

    Thought are with you and your family Gary.

    Love Alison x

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  5. Hi Gary. Your blog brought home the personal side of this tragedy. It’s no longer only a news item on T.V. for me. I wish you and your family endless strength of body and mind to move forward from this tragedy. It’s people that count and as long as no harm were done to your family you will recover over time. You are going through a dark night ” the dark night of the soul” which you so eloquently describe as “your emotional and spiritual Winter.” May you work through your loss in the Winter and flower in the Spring alongside the daffodils, irises and tulips in your garden. This was a very heart wrenching, yet eloquent and spiritual blog to read. May we all be graced with your strength.

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    1. Hello! Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to write such a beautiful message. As I write this, flash flooding and mudslides are now impacting the area. Too much to absorb. Yes, I am SO looking forward to springtime!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Gary, I was led to your blog through my blog friend Alison (throughrosetintedglasses), I am so sorry that you’ve been through so much. What a challenge you’ve had to experience; so many memories and such deep feelings for what has to be left behind. My heart goes out to you and your family, I’ve never had a home burn down, but I’ve experienced losses that cause me to rise above them and forge ahead, it isn’t easy, but in my way of thinking when we believe in something bigger than ourselves, it helps soothe the pain and find beauty again.

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    1. Dear Laura, thank you for your kind comments and much appreciated wisdom. I seem to have two personalities living inside of me, one is a curmudgeon and the other is a man full of hope and gratitude. I am rooting for the latter. Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to send compassionate words!

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