Jumbled Thoughts

It has been two weeks and one day since the fire changed our lives. Thinking clearly has become, increasingly, a problem. So let me just write some jumbled thoughts and like a jigsaw puzzle, maybe you can put the puzzle together.

Speaking of jigsaw puzzles, every year on this day as far as I can remember I started a Christmas theme puzzle. Not this year. I can’t concentrate and the idea of dumping 1000 pieces on a table is too much for me.

Also, on this day as long as I can remember, we put up our Christmas tree. It usually involved a discussion regarding why the Christmas tree lights were just tossed back into the box creating the annual rat’s nest comments. Also, invariably, whatever side of the tree was most visible was not the fullest side and required debate and adjustments. Not this year.

I did run down to my favorite mandarin farm, or is it called a ranch, and purchased 50 lbs of satsuma mandarins today. Been doing that for 25 years.

We are purchasing a travel trailer. It is nice and big, still I almost threw up when I realized what our new home would be for quite awhile. Can you be grateful and pissed at the same time?

I lost hundreds of books. I read 36 books this year alone. I wasn’t going to purchase any new ones because of the lack of space, but I love books and I love all the things that they represent, both from the writer’s and readers’ perspectives. So, I bought my first book, it a monk’s memoir of 6 decades of cloistered living. He loves music, so do I. Today I have been listening to Shubert’s symphonies. Glorious.

What is the opposite of blessings? Whatever it is, it sure makes you appreciate all your blessings. Sometimes you just have to open your heart and love and forgive those who have hurt you the worse in life, even if they don’t ask or acknowledge their role. Of course for me, that grace is usually delayed some. My initial reaction is to tell them to “Fuck off ”

I sometimes wonder how many I have hurt without knowing the pain I have caused? This makes me feel very bad. I am so sorry. I can be such an idiot.

You know what really makes me feel sad…how religion has been dominated by egotistical powerbrokers who reject the role of science and alternative paths to the sacred. So many of my friends reject the possibility of their spiritual nature, they are through with the judgement and hypocrisy of formalized religion. I now consider myself a religion-less Christian, a term I read in one of Richard Rohr’s books, yeah it burned up too. I relate so well with my faith-less friends. I get it.

Lastly, I have to type this with a thumb on a cellphone. Combined with poor eyesight I must have many typos (thumbos) and other grammar violations, but that kind of fits the title.

Here is a great big hug. Pray for Paradise and beyond.