Huh?

I continue to try to meditate. The app I use just had a 21 day meditation “challenge.” Something seemed really wrong  in referring to it as a challenge. Isn’t that what I am trying to get away from, all the made up challenges? I am constantly challenging myself – read a book a week, do Spanish lessons everyday, floss my teeth twice a day, do this, do that.

Yes, I successfully meditated 21 days in row. Don’t challenge me, my ego can’t take it.

Now how did the meditation sessions go? Not so good. It is like my mind is a child being restricted to a room with a thousand open windows and doors and the kid is always trying to escape. I am amazed how quickly he escapes and how long he can stay in some fantasy conversation, or scenario, or planning session. I think my personal record of mindfulness is about three breaths. It usually goes something like this….

Breathe in, feel the air in my nostrils, feel my shoulders and chest move. exhale and feel my stomach push out and Breathe in Hey I am doing pretty good, STOP, breathe! Ok, breathe in, air in my nostrilsDo I have enough money to afford this new place? What should I do about the property in Paradise? When will I start writing music again? I am no good, who cares anyway, NOW STOP that self criticism, be kind and gentle with yourself, Oh shit, I am suppossed to be meditating Breathe in, feel the air in my nostrils Did the cable tv guy say Friday 1 – 3??? or Friday 9 to 11??? I wonder if my internet connection is fast enough….

This meditation stuff is not as easy as it sounds. I truly wonder how much of my life is spent in fantasy, worry, planning, and whatever else?  I read a book that said “trying” is the problem. Ok, I won’t try…..oh, I don’t have a clue what that means? Did I close the garage door when I left this morning? 

7 thoughts on “Huh?

  1. can really relate, Gary – especially about the wandering mind – I’ve given up at the moment, trying – hopefully will try again – yes, and what’s with the ‘challenge’ thing – sheesh! but i’m sure it’s got to be a good thing – and then the paradoxes – don’t try to try – try not trying – ahhhh – look i’m doing really well at not trying – I must try and do it even betterer – argghh – great post, man

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  2. If I might make a suggestion, meditation the way you’ve so diligently worked to achieve is difficult, I’ve been meditating for years, but I left that kind of meditation behind a long time ago,. I found other ways to achieve that kind of stillness such as taking a walk in nature, going to a nature reserve and watching wildlife, getting engrossed in a something I enjoy doing, taking my camera for an outing. The true point of meditation is to realize peace of mind by distracting yourself from daily life. It can be achieved in many ways, find something that works for you and you can avoid the pain of what you’ve been through. I hope that helps. 😊

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  3. Gary that was a good read I could totally picture you trying your best and had to have a chuckle. When I started using the app ‘Insight Timer’ the encouragement seemed to be on letting all those crazy thoughts continue and just keep breathing and let them be. Gradually they just get less important and quieter. If all else fails, id agree with Laura, a good walk in nature does the trick.

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    1. I am going to check that app out. I dont want to be a guru. i just want to spending so much time in that weird space of mental make believe. it really cuts into my creative energy and i would like being more self aware when negative emotions are rising before my temper makes things worse!

      Liked by 1 person

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