Huh?

I continue to try to meditate. The app I use just had a 21 day meditation “challenge.” Something seemed really wrong  in referring to it as a challenge. Isn’t that what I am trying to get away from, all the made up challenges? I am constantly challenging myself – read a book a week, do Spanish lessons everyday, floss my teeth twice a day, do this, do that.

Yes, I successfully meditated 21 days in row. Don’t challenge me, my ego can’t take it.

Now how did the meditation sessions go? Not so good. It is like my mind is a child being restricted to a room with a thousand open windows and doors and the kid is always trying to escape. I am amazed how quickly he escapes and how long he can stay in some fantasy conversation, or scenario, or planning session. I think my personal record of mindfulness is about three breaths. It usually goes something like this….

Breathe in, feel the air in my nostrils, feel my shoulders and chest move. exhale and feel my stomach push out and Breathe in Hey I am doing pretty good, STOP, breathe! Ok, breathe in, air in my nostrilsDo I have enough money to afford this new place? What should I do about the property in Paradise? When will I start writing music again? I am no good, who cares anyway, NOW STOP that self criticism, be kind and gentle with yourself, Oh shit, I am suppossed to be meditating Breathe in, feel the air in my nostrils Did the cable tv guy say Friday 1 – 3??? or Friday 9 to 11??? I wonder if my internet connection is fast enough….

This meditation stuff is not as easy as it sounds. I truly wonder how much of my life is spent in fantasy, worry, planning, and whatever else?  I read a book that said “trying” is the problem. Ok, I won’t try…..oh, I don’t have a clue what that means? Did I close the garage door when I left this morning?