Continuing to heal, walking slowly but longer – almost up to two miles and all done in the pasture behind the house and also while throwing Gracie a ball – riding a reclined bicycle in the spare room – almost up to 20 minutes- and spending a lot of quiet time.
Since I decided that I would return to work, but retire at the end of this academic year, I feel kind of lost. It was suggested to me tonight that I have removed all my coping mechanism. I am not working at university while on sick leave. I am not coming home and spending all my time working here on the five acres. I changed my entire diet and I have left all the comfort foods and many, many diet sodas behind me. Of course, all this neatly lines up with my dislike for winter shadows and darkness. (I don’t how you folks above and below the 40 degrees latitudes do it.)
It has also been suggested by my surgeon’s office that depression sometimes comes in play after surgery. Having fought that battle from teenage years until my late forties, I understand the need to be very honest with oneself. However, I am not particularly fond of the idea of starting a therapeutic relationship again. They get kind of strange I’ve found. But, I need to keep an eye on it.
I think a general malaise can sometimes be healthy, prompting a re-evaluation of our mindsets, attitudes, and values and it probably shouldn’t be avoided. We need to face our own dark moments with a trust that the light will eventually shine through. The result might be that we gain a greater understanding of ourselves and our world. Still I won’t hesitate seeking help, if it gets worse. I promise me this. Trauma is quite mean and gets even meaner when you ignore it. That is one thing that I know with complete certainty.
I am using this time to also put together jigsaw puzzles, watch a little daytime tv – that darn Ellen DeGeneres can sure make you get teary-eyed. I am also trying to come to a new and/or deeper understanding of the importance of creativity – creativity in any form, not just the so-called arts. My music, this blog, our gardens, friendships, volunteer work, anything, everything, I want to embrace the joy of creation… Work in progress.
Let me share two things with you.
Linus is enjoying his first Christmas as is his sister Lucy.
And, this afternoon, I jotted down a few lyrics and I wrote a song inspired by a memory of a Christmas long ago.