Lately I have been anxious, short tempered, and feeling out of sorts. Yesterday, I got a frozen yogurt. I had requested vanilla with fresh strawberries on top with some chocolate sprinkles. They were out of strawberries and I ended up with some sour mixture of raspberries and boysenberries, This pissed me off. It is one thing to have a shortage of toilet paper, but damn it…strawberries? You can kind of see the frame of mind I am in.
Then, deciding to eat the yogurt in my truck, when I took off the lid of the yogurt container, the berry juice and yogurt went flying all over me and my pants. I really lost it and fortunately my windows were rolled up. Very bad words spewed from my lips along with a quick analysis of people who work at yogurt shops.
As ugly as I get when I snap, crackle, pop, the one thing it makes me eventually do is to think “What the hell is going on with me?” Prior to crossing the boundary of emotional stability, I am not forced to face my feelings. I am managing them but not acknowledging them. So I sat down on my couch later that night and had a therapy session with myself, and Dr. G.
Dr. G: So what is really bothering you? I mean sometimes people do run out of strawberries.
Me: I know, I know….but goddamn it do they have to put more in the container than the container can actually hold? Doesn’t anyone teach these kids physics or volume… stuff? It pisses me off. Everyone is so inept or just doesn’t give a shit.
Dr. G: I know you pretty well and when you start cursing it usually means your emotions are in a knot. What tied that knot?
Me: I don’t know. I haven’t been sleeping very well. This new fire up the canyon, I mean 200,000 acres burned up. You know that fire started near where the one that burned down our town, killed 85 people, we lost everything, you know.
Dr. G: Have you been paying close attention to this new fire?
Me: You know me so well. Yes, I have been paying attention to this new fire… a lot of attention.
Dr. G: That makes sense. I would too. How much is a lot of attention?
Me: Day and night,
Dr. G: Looking at images of this new fire?
Me: Yep…
Dr. G: Okay, we are scratching the surface of your anxiety…trauma… but is it okay with you if we go just a little bit deeper?
Me: Could I stop you?
Dr. G: Sure, if you don’t mind looking like an idiot at the yogurt shop… This new fire, are you familiar with the land?
Me: Oh God yes. We’ve spent 40 years hiking, swimming, sledding, rockhounding, fishing, picnicking, camping. kayaking and just staring at the incredible beauty of that area. In my youth and young adult years, I did all those things in the Yuba River Canyon, but as a mature adult, living in Paradise which is part of that Feather River drainage, the area of this new fire was, was, was… my church. I felt God there.
Dr. G: Your home in Paradise, you had a beautiful yard, right?
Me: Yes. Our house was old but comfortable and the yard was like a park. People would just come over to soak up the vibe, the beauty. I guess the spirit.
Dr. G: So you lose the beauty at your home and now you lose access to your, shall we say, your sacred playground?
Me: Religion messed me up, big time. We have had that discussion before. But, beauty, especially through nature,… it…allowed for a deeper sense of myself, a timeless sense of my…self…and an unplanned…communion with God, Spirit, Creator, Mystery… I don’t have a name for it…my heart, my breath, my mind, all seemed to be synchronized to a holy rhythm and a sacred harmony.
Dr. G: Plato said something like that about music.
Me: Yeah, I might have plagiarized him a little bit there.
Dr. G: Sounds like to me, you have been kicked out of the Garden of Eden.
Me: I guess so…but if so, we all were kicked out by greed and mismanagement and bad oversight.
Dr. G: Yes, I agree but a lightening strike could have had the same effect, burning up your…church, as you call it. I have one more question for you. There are currently 80 major wildfires in the Western United States. Sea levels are rising, water temperatures are rising, droughts are increasing with major lakes about to go dry in California and beyond. Wells are going dry. Hurricane season starts earlier and lasts longer. Major floods that were described as once in 100 years are happening far more often than that. The list goes on and we haven’t even mentioned the pandemic. If beauty is where you seem to connect to a deeper self with a sense of timelessness in the presence of God, what are you going to do with this, shall we call it…the new normal?
Me: You’re depressing me…I don’t know.
Dr G: Okay, look, sometimes, many times, beauty is not so easily visible.. in nature, and in human nature. If you only believe in beauty when you see it…then…you are living…basically a hopeless life much of the time…. a life of no faith. Easy to get cynical. This beauty that touches you so deeply, maybe it is not the end all…just an invitation to go deeper, a pathway to something that fire cannot destroy, greed cannot destroy.
Me: Maybe
Dr. G: Yes, maybe. Have you been back to your property in Paradise lately?
Me: Yes
Dr. G: Did you see anything new growing on your place?
Me: I was surprised at how the birch trees were still growing even without summer watering for two years… and flowers were coming back and some little oak trees were breaking through the soil.
Dr. G: Would you describe it as beautiful?
Me: Uh, yes in way, now that I think about it. I just stared in amazement at the new life.
Dr. G: Sort of a resurrection, huh?
Me: Yes, I suppose so. A resurrection.
Dr G: That sounds beautiful to me.
Me: Me too.
Another Picture On The Wall 
I enjoyed reading that Gary while drinking my morning tea. I love the way that you look at yourself when you know your getting cranky. A friend once said to me that I would find beauty anywhere and its always stayed with me. Whether im in the amazing Peak district or in a little house in the city beauty is there to be found. Easier when its cloaking you everyday but still there if we look. Your memories of the fire must be hard to loose. Sorry about the strawberries 🍓🍓
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I realized how connected to the land I am. It is difficult to describe the monstrosity of these fires, their ability to turn daytime into a hellish night like scene. Imagine the beloved Peak District charred to black. It stuns one’s soul and it keeps happening and getting worse every year. In your darkest moments you sort of forget about the beauty and the light, whether nature related or human nature related. But the light keeps shining through… eventually. If I stop cursing my emotional discomfort long enough, perhaps I will feel that light sooner. Sometimes I am about as mature as a three year old!
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It takes a lot of courage to open up in a public forum, those deeply embedded feelings are so personal. Even though the recent fire threat to our home dissipated, I completely understand the need to want to check on the fire status throughout the day, because I did the same thing. To help myself through the fear I would go sit on the front deck and watch the birds and insects flying around the yard, I’d find something creative to distract myself and I did what I call a gratitude checklist in my head, it didn’t change things but it helped me not to be so afraid. I also understand explosive anger, I felt it so I turned on some relaxing music to calm myself. For me, one on one conversations with self always opens a floodgate of ways to improve the way I deal with overwhelming situations. You’ve done very well by creating an amazingly beautiful landscape around your new home, it inspires me. The light always finds a way in we just have to let it come in whatever form it takes.
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Trauma haunts us… it is hard to get away from it, there’s always new triggers that come along. There is so much sh-t going down these days, it isn’t surprising that you lose it every once in a while. The pressure builds and letting off steam is healthy, so long as it doesn’t lead to murder. 😉
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Lol…yes, there is a lot of sh-t going down. I don’t own a gun for that very reason. By the way, I went back to the yogurt shop today. My wife went in and I stayed in the truck. When she came back she said,”Stay calm, but they are still out of strawberries.” My wife said to them “you were out last time” and they said they’ve been out since then. My wife said, “there’s a produce market right next door. Someone needs to walk over and buy some strawberries.” She said the young lady just stared back at her. I also asked her to buy me a large size cup but to tell them only to fill it to a medium.” As you can see, I am losing it. The yogurt wars, a new Netflix series.
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LOL! BYOB, Bring Your Own Berries. 😉
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Strange times, Gary. It’s not a great sight to see beauty obliterated, no matter what form it takes.Finding beauty in this world is hard enough as it is. My wife and I made a decision earlier this year to move to a smaller community. We want to spend our last years finding some kind of tranquility. We’re moving from a university city of 130,000 to a small lake side community of 12,000. It’s by Lake Huron. The reason I haven’t been blogging the last couple months. Ridding ourselves of three quarters of our possessions to downsize, packing etc.
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Oh Len, this is very exciting news. I would love to hear more about this new path for you two. Ain’t easy getting rid of our stuff but feels better traveling lighter. We chose a small community too instead of the university town that I worked in…maybe 1200 people in Orland. Much easier to drive out here, but it is an adjustment. I wish you and yours the very best on this new home/place!
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