I have been retired now for 14 months and I haven’t found it to be an easy transition.

After the fire, moving to a different place and space, then an unexpected health issue which was followed up by the COVID crisis, it was time for me to retire. My brain was fatigued and I was worn out, physically and emotionally.

I turned my energy to working around our new place and…walking…and a lot of reflection about myself, my life, and what I really believed in. With COVID-19 and all, my social circle drastically got smaller quite quickly. It continues to be very small.

I always had goals and targets in my life but without a “professional career” I found my ability to focus on any new accomplishments to be very difficult and even when I did, it felt like I was just distracting myself. I became grumpier and more volatile.

These “In-Betweens” in life are not easy regardless of your stage in human development. At my age, I find it hard that my elders, my role models, my wisdom keepers are no longer physically present in my life. I miss them very much. I found comfort with them my entire life. And, I am very much aware that I play that role for others now, but sometimes I just feel lost. I suppose my wise ones did too.

The worse In-Between for me was when I was old enough to be left home by myself and my parents would hire a babysitter. I certainly wouldn’t curse back then, but I do sort of remember thinking, “Shit, Mom and Dad, she’s only 2 years older than me.” That was a bad In-Between.

I do not believe in the literal accuracy of the entire Holy Bible, but I do deeply believe in the sacredness of the stories. I find myself now wandering in the desert like the Israelites did with Moses. Maybe that is why I set a goal of 5 million steps recorded on my Fitbit in 2021. Maybe I knew I had to wander in the desert and believe me with the drought and extreme heat out here, combined with the choking smoke, I am wandering in the desert. It is still better than a babysitter who is almost your own age though.

The In-Betweens don’t last forever, or I wouldn’t call them In-Betweens. But, the In-Betweens need to be done properly at the right pace. There is no rushing through it. Lessons to be learned are needed for the next stage. If you think about it, Forrest Gump was a story about In-Betweens and stages of life. I like the part where he was running and running and running and then just stopped.

Other Stuff: I was enjoying myself the other day in a boat on the Sacramento River. Here is a photo of a 25 pound (you know us fisherpeople always exaggerate a little bit) salmon I caught. It took a bit get it in the boat. Please no comments regarding my skinny legs!

Later, I was relaxing in the boat in a very pretty stretch of the river. I watched 3 cute little ducklings swimming in a row (do ducks swim or paddle?) along the shore. Then, I saw a big splash in the water where a large striped bass came up and then there was only 2 cute little ducklings on the water. Striped bass are ferocious, ocean going fish and will eat nearly anything.

I don’t know what that has to do with this blog posting, but now that I have shared it with you, I can stop thinking about it!